Episode 4 Transcript - Mama Said: an Episode about Parenting Styles

Episode 4 - Parenting Styles

[00:00:00] 

Rachel: The content of this podcast, Generation Mom, is for entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed by the hosts and their guests are their own and do not constitute professional advice. While we strive to provide accurate and up to date information, this podcast is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, medical, financial, legal, or other advice.

Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding your specific situation. Thanks for listening.

Pam: I was told what to do, where to sit, how to stand all of that. And school was very important. And that came before anything. So I remember thinking as a kid, I don't want to be like this. When I have kids. I don't want to bring my kids up like this.

Hello, and welcome to Generation Mom. [00:01:00] I'm Rachel, the elder millennial who tries to stay grounded in all of the chaos of modern parenthood. I'm Pam, the Bloomer Mom, to my two co hosts and Nana to their kids. I've spent And I'm here to share my generational wisdom with a touch of tough love. And I'm Laurel, your Gen X voice of reason, stuck in the middle, ready to weigh in with unsugarcoated advice.

Join us as we tackle life's big questions across three generations, sharing laughs and insights along the way. This is Generation Mom.

Rachel: Welcome back. Good morning. 

Pam: Morning. Morning. 

Rachel: We sound chipper this morning. 

Pam: Yes, we do. We're excited. We have some listeners. 

Rachel: We have some listeners. We officially launched for real, so now as we're recording this we've released our first two episodes.

Pam: I hope it's more than our brothers. 

Rachel: If you're not related [00:02:00] to us and you listen, please let us know. Yeah, leave a review or a comment. We have a special guest today. We have Leo the cat. He is my mom's cat. decided to join the podcast, so you might hear a meow or two.

 Today we're going to talk about parenting styles. As always I'll kick off with our deep dive and then we each can talk about what we feel our parenting styles are like, and maybe Laurel and I we'll tell mom what we thought her parenting style was like.

Pam: That'll be interesting. 

Rachel: Each generation has their own parenting style influenced probably by their own parents and their own generations. And so if you want a deep dive into differences between the generations, listen to our first episode.

We'll start with the baby [00:03:00] boomers. And again, this generation is born around 1946 up to 1964. So they struggled with the concept of child discipline because they were used to maybe more traditional discipline techniques from their own childhood. They say the greatest generation was a more authoritarian style of parenting.

And so baby boomers. Tried to engage more with their children, engage in discussions with their children, tried to be more nurturing than their parents were. Family meetings started with baby boomer parents who valued their children's perspective and strive to include them in all family matters.

Baby boomers also raise their children with a focus on wanting the best for them. And college was definitely a priority. Making sure that their children went to college was very important for baby boomers. And baby boomers, might [00:04:00] have been the first in their family to go to college. So again, that influenced how they wanted their Kids to continue that education.

Gen X parents are highly involved in their children's lives.

They're active in the school system and they're strong advocates for smaller class sizes. Gen X homeschools more children than any other generation, and Gen Xers are considered to be very protective parents, which is where the term helicopter parenting comes from. Their style is authoritative, not authoritarian, emphasizing warmth, connection, boundaries, and explanation. Gen Xers focus on learning about parenting and Caring about that work life balance between work and having time with their families and their children.

They understand the importance of individualism and tend to support their children's choices [00:05:00] for different lifestyles, more than past generations . Gen X is also a generation of volunteers and are very involved in their kids development. 

Millennial parents are very conscious about their child's environment, especially food safety. We're very interested in having a parenting style.

 For my generation, there are a lot of different parenting styles that we talk about, but they say millennials are into conscious parenting.

The millennials are having fewer children and are less likely to feel the need to be married, to have kids technology, the internet and social media are all major influences in their lives as parents. And in the lives of their children, this is an open minded generation of parents who are parenting in various styles that were not common to generations before. They may have been the children of helicopter parents, so they're, which I was not. So they are finding [00:06:00] themselves to be naturally freer parents compared with older generations. I don't know how I feel about that.

Maybe it's because I'm on the top end, but we'll talk more about that. 

Rachel: Mom, Pamela. , what were some of your influences in your parenting style?

Pam: My parents were in the greatest generation. They still believed, in the Victorian ideal that children should be seen but not heard. And that, when your father came home, children's hour was over and we were supposed to disappear and not be around.

And we were very much told what to do. And how to behave and there was also a sort of secret to some, is that a word? [00:07:00] Secretiveness to What went on in your home? So we didn't have the internet and we didn't have, people looking in on and judging what was going on. And I know in my family, there was the family and then there was the public.

And the family you could share certain things with, not necessarily everything depending on who it was, and the public you shared nothing with. They, it's like what went on in the home was stayed in the home and you weren't supposed to say anything about it. And my parents still believed in corporal punishment, more for the boys than the girls.

But there still was corporal punishment And I remember growing up with a certain amount [00:08:00] of fear, I guess I would say, of my parents. I pretty much did what they told me to do, and I didn't want to know what the consequences were going to be if I didn't do it. On the other side of that, and as part of the being seen and not heard, is that We were brought up

in an environment where at the beginning of the day, you ate your breakfast and then you went outside, and you pretty much stayed outside all day. And you came home when the streetlights went on. And that's gone.

We don't, you don't have that at all anymore. But, while we were out, I always felt like I had all these eyes on me, the neighbors, mothers and all of that were watching everything you do so they could report back to your mother, how you behave. I remember being a child and really feeling that I didn't have a voice at all in anything.

I [00:09:00] was told what to do, where to sit, how to stand all of that. And school was very important. And that came before anything. So I remember thinking as a kid, I don't want to be like this. When I have kids. I don't want to bring my kids up like this.

 And I felt like I didn't want my Children to necessarily be afraid of me and afraid to come to me and talk to me. And I was always even as an adult, I really didn't, talk to them much about anything of substance because it could be very judgy, and judgmental.

 I think there are all these names today, like free range and helicopter. And I can't remember all of them anymore. But anyway, I don't think I was a helicopter parent. But I also don't think I was free [00:10:00] range. Because just because of the times, I would have been afraid to just turn my kids out and let them play outside without me overseeing it.

Rachel: I remember playing outside alone. I was usually with Laurel though, and maybe you felt like Laurel was old enough to know, but I was watching you.

Yes. You were watching. We didn't know you were watching. I didn't know, 

Laurel: but I was watching. We were running up and down the street. We'd play in the woods. We used to go up to the neighborhood pool together alone.

Pam: I was a terrible parent. No, we're not terrible. We're not judging. We're just 

Rachel: saying, we remember it. A little bit more free range. Yeah. Because, we'd play in the woods. 

We'd, we had a huge yard. 

Laurel: You don't want us in the house messing up the house. I, in the summer.

I remember that. And we did. We had a huge yard. We bordered a, wooded area, which is now all mansions. 

Rachel: So sad. 

Laurel: [00:11:00] But, it, it 

Pam: was. A lot of the yard was out in the woods at that time. So that was the woods you were going into. 

Laurel: Oh, it's that whole several acre, between our house and the main road.

Yeah, everybody would cut through to go to school. All the kids walked to school that way. And we'd go play. We had all kinds of things set up in there 

that we'd go play and do. And then we had friends, like you had friends who lived behind us. Yeah. And you were the next door neighbor. The 

Laurel: kid behind us.

The next door neighbor. Your sister-in-law lived down the street behind us. Had other friends that lived down the street, our street, we were in and out of each other's houses a lot or garages. I remember playing in a lot of garages. 

Rachel: Yeah. We stayed in a lot of garages and basements.

I'm curious if you feel like, because you said, when you were growing up, it was like you had everybody's parents eyes on you. And so there's that it takes a village, there's a community of parents. And I feel like parents felt freer to [00:12:00] parent other people's kids. 

Pam: Oh, they did.

Absolutely. 

Rachel: And I'm wondering if you feel like it was like that still in the 70s and 80s You felt comfortable having us go to friends houses. 

Pam: I felt comfortable having to go to friends houses as long as I knew, who the people were. But like when I was growing up, I'd get on my bike and I would ride all over this.

When I think about some of the places that I went. It scares me today, because I would never have let you guys go to where we went. And we used to go to the movies when we were little. We were like 9, 10 years old, and we'd go to the movies on Saturday on our bikes. 

Laurel: But you also lived in a more Like a small city community, whereas we're more out in the suburbs.

We didn't have access to those kinds of things. Even on our bikes, like that would be a pretty far drive to go to the mall or to the, movies or something. That's something we need a car for. We don't live somewhere where we [00:13:00] can easily walk to those places or ride our bikes to those places.

Pam: That's true, anything can happen anywhere. Yeah. So but we, I don't know, I, I don't know if it was because the news wasn't as instantaneous and widespread as it is now, but I don't think our parents really worried about us being kidnapped or anything like that. We got the don't talk to strangers routine, but I don't remember being overly cautioned about things like that.

I think that I don't think that people felt as open about Parenting other people's kids as the parents in my parents generation did because those parents would even punish, you like, I remember I got pulled out of the street and. spanked by some man I didn't [00:14:00] even know. I remember that cause I, I guess I ran in front of his car or so, I don't know, something like that.

And so I don't think we were like that. But we definitely looked out for each other's kids. We were always watching, the kids. My generation was brought up by a book that was a big influence. And it was Dr. Spock. And Dr.

Spock was the authority. On child rearing, and he had a lot of goofy ideas, like one of them I remember is that you were supposed to put your baby out in his spuggy on your porch and leave them there for several hours. And this was for you, for your parenting? No, not my parenting, for my parents parenting.

But we were all, we were, when. I forget if it was [00:15:00] when I got married or if it was at one of my baby showers. I got that book. Somebody gave me that book, as a child rearing book. Of course, by that time there were a lot of newer books. ideas, but it must have been one of my parents friends or something who gave it to me.

But I remember reading it and just laughing at some of these things, like everything was very scheduled. At this hour you ate, at this hour you had a bath, at this hour you got put outside.

I just remember it being a very regimented sort of way of bringing, children up and I don't think I was a very regimented parent. I think it was freer in our house and I always tried. To encourage you kids to talk to me and to tell me, things and not [00:16:00] be afraid to tell me things.

I don't know how successful I was, but I feel like you did pretty much come and talk to me. Because I didn't want to, I didn't want to have that feeling of separation that I had with you. And I wanted you to feel that even though you were children that you deserved respect. And as long as you respected us, we would respect you.

And I wasn't, a big corporal punisher. I was a yeller, but I wasn't a corporal punisher.

Wish I had done some things differently, we're, we all are a product of how, we were brought up and the things I changed about bringing up is that I don't think I was as authoritarian a parent as my parents were. I don't think I was as closed off as my parents were.

And I think that I. or [00:17:00] I at least tried to allow you the feeling that you had a voice in something, in, in what you were doing, or you had an opinion about what you wanted to do, that it wasn't me saying, you have to do this, or you have to do that. Now for us in my, Parenting education was still very important.

We still wanted our kids. We wanted our kids to go to college both my parents went to college and I went to college. My parents brothers and sister went to college. That was pretty much ingrained in me.

And I guess I ingrained that in the two of you too. 

I feel sorry for Laurel, because I think she was the experimental child. I didn't know what I was doing. And I feel like I made a lot of mistakes with her, and I think I was a little bit more nervous parent with her than I was with you. I think that I really do think that I was more chill with [00:18:00] you. And having kids six years apart, it's like bringing up two only children because there's so much time between you, but I certainly was a much more relaxed. mother with an infant with you than I was with Laurel.

Rachel: Laurel. Yes? Let's talk about what you think your parenting style is with your kiddos .

Laurel: In our family found it very interesting that the Xers are defined as helicopter because I didn't know that was an X-er thing. I am not the helicopter parent in our family. I I get called free range.

My kids are feral . I think you guys tend to see me as pretty hands off, although definitely do get in there with. The strictness and correction when I need to 

I parent very differently than I envisioned parenting and I've had to learn a [00:19:00] lot with how to deal with my older son in particular, he has a diagnosis, and he

Wasn't able to speak till he was about four, maybe five. Everything was delayed physically with him. Intellectually, he's actually quite advanced, which is its own complication. But, We went through a lot with him early on. And I had a few really hard years there with him and he continues to be a challenge even now, but in a different way.

And I think that my go to initially was if I got mad or upset, I'd want to yell. That was not the way to handle him and I've had to learn over the years to dial it down instead of up because the two of us would work each other up and, it would make him more, upset and more tantrum me.

Whereas in when I was growing up, when I got yelled at, I just got quieter and waited it out. [00:20:00] That is not his response to that at all. He fights back. And have the dynamic where I think the two of us have a lot of things in common.

Personality wise. And I think that impacts your relationship with each other . Aspects of yourself and your child that you don't love about yourself. And you it's like fighting with yourself, arguing with yourself, there's just he comes at me, I don't know, there's something about how the two of us interact versus how I interact with my younger son that I think is actually on and base personality level.

I don't think it has anything to do with his special needs or anything. I think it's just, we're very similar, so We combat each other a lot because of that. I really had to change my parenting style, change how I interact with him. He's a lot like a cat. He, likes to be on his own and he likes to be left alone, but then he will come to me for affection when he wants it, but he doesn't want it, if people are just giving it out.

But it was a [00:21:00] challenge. It was a real challenge. Parenting him, especially, I had a couple few years there where, I was having a new baby.

I was having a child with a new diagnosis. I was going through a lot of things all at once. And that was very hard to navigate all of that. Now my little one is just a cuddle bug and he's You know, when I get mad at him, he gets upset. He responds more the way I expect. And he will try to correct his behavior and he responded to timeouts whereas my older one like that enraged him, but my little one, he'd go sit and time out and cry and, be upset about it.

And, and then it would, he tried to correct himself afterwards. And, he's very sweet, very affectionate, very cuddly. There's a whole different dynamic there. And it's interesting. It's really interesting kind of raising the two of them. 

Rachel: Do you feel like there was any outside [00:22:00] influence?

 Books or social media or things that you felt influenced or that you turned to as a resource in the beginning and even now. 

Laurel: Yeah. The internet was a big thing. Joined when I was pregnant, or actually when I was trying to get pregnant. I joined a, like an online website form sort of thing that doesn't exist anymore.

But we were in like little first we were in the trying to conceive group and then once you finally did, and you'd all cheer each other on and examine each other's pregnancy tests and try to figure out if they were positive or negative, like you can chart your cycles and all this stuff and then once I did get pregnant, you get put in your due date group, so you're with your group of people in the month or two that around your due date and you all go through the pregnancy stages together and everything.

And, that was nice because you had people who are going through what you were going through and, you had the people who were a little ahead of you, so you could see what was going to happen. And the people were a little behind you and, there's always Dr [00:23:00] Google, which is never a good thing. And I, going through, with my older son and the diagnostic process, they recommend 6, 000 books to you. And, I haven't read a book since I had kids. I'm dealing with an angry, violent, nonverbal child once he, who doesn't sleep, like never sleeps.

This kid's still 13 years old. This child never sleeps. And, when am I supposed to read? By the time he finally conks out, usually I fall asleep first and, I'm exhausted. I'm tired all the time, especially back then when I needed that information. And, people are like, oh, read, read this book, read that book. Ross Green books about parenting, the explosive child. And he has a group on Facebook. I think it's called plan. B or plan C, something like that. And everybody swears by him. And I have read the intro of that book maybe three times. And I can't, I just can't sit down and [00:24:00] read through it.

And these are the kind of books that really take brainpower. When I do read now, like at the beach, when I get a chance to read, I want books that are so fluff and crap that I don't have to think, these are books you really have to think and you have to self reflect and you have to think about your child.

I'm big on Facebook groups. I'm in every special needs parenting group in the area, where we all recommend, we talk about IEPs, and we talk about the schools in the area, and one of them is actually in Rachel's neighborhood, really, so I know all about the schools in your county and how it works and where to go and, all of that, but also through navigating my own county I've got, I know how that works too.

And then because my son, is a particular challenge because he's extremely bright academically advanced. I don't know that he really qualifies as like truly gifted on an IQ scale. It's very hard to get IQ readings on these kids. But [00:25:00] he's well above grade level. And so educating him has been a particular challenge because there's still a lot of expectation that children with special needs, especially ones with speech delays, are intellectually impaired as well.

And that is not the case. And it's really sad to think now about all the people who have had verbal inabilities, but they're probably Very, normal as far as their capabilities. He's. It's extremely verbal now, so it's not an issue luckily, but for years it was and He's a great researcher. Oh, he is. He's amazing. I don't know. I am a special circumstance in the end and it really, my whole view of what parenting was going to be.

Got turned on its head and a lot of it, I've had to learn through experience and, you realize your kids are different. Anyway, like I remember why I was pregnant with my younger one. All I could imagine [00:26:00] was pretty much carbon copy of my older one. And I couldn't imagine how this other kid would look different, act different.

And they're totally different children. And they're completely. In interest and abilities and although my little one's very smart too, but just how they interact and how they behave and all of it. It's very interesting. 

Pam: I have to commend you, Laurel, because I feel like you've had a lot on your plate.

From the very beginning and you were very good about accepting the diagnosis and getting this child into therapy and various educational programs very young, which I think did a lot for him. I think he wouldn't be where he is today if you, if, you hadn't been as accepting and as good about everything as you had been.

And you did a lot of, she, she did a lot of pushing. [00:27:00] And she did a lot of advocating for herself and her child, and that's hard sometimes, especially within the school system. 

Laurel: It's hard because, that's another situation where, again, you're dealing with different opinions on things. You've got different doctors telling you different things.

All the research is outdated. And now we've got autistic adults who are telling us what was wrong and what shouldn't have been done and what should have been done and I try to listen to those voices because I don't want my child to come back to me as an adult hating me because I did this or that.

ABA is extremely controversial now, but it's the only thing insurance will pay for. And in fact we paid tens of thousands of dollars for a therapy that we could ill afford at the time because my husband's insurance wouldn't cover it. And he literally changed jobs to get insurance that would cover it.

But I steer clear of things that were the traditional [00:28:00] ABA where they're tied to a table and they're their preferred object is withheld from them and all of that. He was in really educational settings with other kids. I could always watch him. There were, mirrored rooms that I could sit and watch the whole day.

And there were sacrifices. My little one grew up in the backseat of my car because I had to drive my older one back and forth to therapy and I , he was going to public school, but he was also getting pulled out to go to his therapy school. And, I thought I was going to be the Pinterest mom.

I am the crafty one. I thought I am going to, have all these sensory boxes and we're going to do arts and crafts and we're going to, be outside. And I spent maybe the first two years of his life playing outside with him. He went through a period where he wouldn't walk on the grass.

Things that I never thought were going to happen. And then I spent two, three years driving him around pretty much nonstop. And my little one, I didn't get that opportunity to do those things with my little one, because he was pretty much second fiddle to [00:29:00] what my older ones needs were.

And that, that was hard. That was all hard. It was hard. It was not easy and fighting for funds, fighting for I've been very lucky that even in the public school, this, the The county I'm in is really good about, or at least the school I was in, which my little one still goes to was really good about making sure my son was placed properly, was getting what he needed.

 But there are people that have to fight the school system to get what they need and to get what their child needs. And, you have to wait for meetings and, It's not easy, it is not an easy process and it's not easy and the whole time you're just trying to do what's best for your child, you're trying to give your child the best life.

Pam: Rachel, 

Rachel: yes. 

Pam: What is your parenting style?

Rachel: I think that you both would say my parenting style is helicopter parenting. 

Pam: Yes, I agree with that. 

Rachel: I would say my parenting style is anxious parenting. Like there is too much [00:30:00] information out there for my generation because we have social media.

There's books. There's a bajillion books. There's Raising Good Humans, Baby Wise, Calm the Chaos, The Whole Brain Child, The Flag Principles of Parenting. There's Dr. Becky who I love, Dr. Becky Goodenside. But there's all of these books. conflicting ideologies now about parenting.

When I had my daughter, I wanted to do gentle parenting and my daughter is spirited. And I think similar to Laurel, she's a lot like me in ways she's stubborn. When she was a baby. She had colic and would cry constantly. And when anybody other than me would hold her, she would freak out and scream.

And I remember we went to Calloway [00:31:00] gardens for a family reunion. She was three months old and it was the first time I was like extended family matter, everyone wants to hold the baby. She'd just scream. And my aunt Kara, she held her, God bless her, she held my daughter for me so I could sit and eat dinner.

 And then as she got to be a toddler, I just remember saying the age of three was the worst ever.

And I would tell people like three years old is the worst age 

ever. 

Because it was, she would have these endless. Tantrums. And I would do all the gentle parenting stuff I understand you're upset and I hear you and I mean nothing. And so at a certain point, I was like, I just have to sit here and ride it out until she's done, because me talking isn't helping her at all. And she was just like, it just didn't work [00:32:00] with her. And a lot of like the methods that work with her are the methods I didn't want to do. And especially now that she's six and she's like a teenager. And apparently, I just read about this last night, because I was Googling, Dr.

Google, why is my six year old like a teenager? Apparently they go through before puberty, there's like another hormonal shift that happens between six and nine. And, It's like not a physical hormonal shift and they just turn into teenagers. And I'm like, I thought three was bad, but I don't know.

My six year old is acting like she's 13. And anyway, that's an aside, but I feel like with her, I have to do timeouts. I've had to turn into less of a gentle parent with her. And then I never wanted to be a yeller. And I don't think yelling is a productive form of [00:33:00] parenting, but when you get to your wits end, sometimes.

I yell and I'm not proud of it. And I think, and so with her, it's definitely turned on my head, my style because I've had to start laying down a lot of boundaries with her and with that, we were not good at laying down in the beginning and 

Laurel: we've now you're falling at a price. 

Rachel: And then our, my kids are two and a half years apart and they're totally different because my son is very much like.

Gentle parenting works with him. He's very much a rule follower. He wants to make us happy. He's like pretty chill kid. I think because he's had to be because Grown ups in a shadow this very big personality and he's got a big personality, too But his personality like he's just a more calm kid 

 It's been interesting because I have [00:34:00] parented them different, but I also feel like we've put more boundaries in place with our youngest from an earlier age, but I will say, I think I'm a little more lax with him on some things too. Because you can be. Because I can be. Yeah. And lately I've felt, I feel like a horrible parent probably 99 percent of the time.

We all do. Yeah. And lately it's been because I feel like I'm so much harder on her than I am on him. But it's because she really pushes. more than he does. And she really, she's an, I want to do whatever I want phase when she's only six and she can't do whatever she wants. And so I feel like she, and she's more defiant and she's more.

I don't know. She's just a harder kid to parent because she's very independent. And then there's just so much. So much out there that's telling you what you're doing wrong. It's if you put your kid in timeout, [00:35:00] you're abusing them.

Really? That's a thing now? That's a thing now. 

Laurel: Oh, because for me that was, we had super nanny who like, timeout was like a thing. You put them in timeout and you waited out and if they get out, you keep putting them back. And then at the end, you sit in front of them and you tell them you love them and you give them a hug and you go over what they did wrong.

See? 

Rachel: That's pretty much what we do with our, she responds to it. She does. And for a while we were doing time ins, which is what, one source I read was like, do time in and sit with them and help them regulate. And it worked for a little while, but then it got to the point where if I was in the room with her, it would just amp her up more and she wouldn't calm down.

And she'd be I will put her in timeout. I'll say, you're going to be here for five minutes. I want you to try to calm down, and then I'll, she will, she'll sit there, she'll like, for a while, it's I have to go to the [00:36:00] bathroom, like she'd try everything to get out. Now she just goes in, she might like yell or scream, she doesn't kick the door like I used to, I was a big door kicker in Time Out.

But then she'll say, all right, I'm calm now, and she'll come out and then we'll talk about it. And I feel like that's what works for her. And it's the only thing that works for her because I think she needs that time outside of whatever the situation is. Calm ourselves down, and I don't think there's anything wrong with learning to self regulate.

But what I, you read a lot is you're teaching them that you don't care about their feelings, and that it's bad that you get sent away when you're angry. I'm like, I don't know, because there, I feel like there is something to be said. Or, I need to step away when I get angry. Angry.

If I don't want to be a yelling parent, like I will say if Dallas is home, I'll say, I just need a minute and I will go lock myself in the bathroom or I'll go [00:37:00] somewhere where I can be by myself. But I just need that minute to calm myself down.

Otherwise I'm going to explode and nobody wants that. The other thing that I do now that I do think is a nice thing is I'll apologize if I've done something. If I've yelled at her or done something, I will apologize and I'll say I'm really sorry I yelled. Mama has big feelings too and sometimes I don't know what to do with them.

And I think that's important because that's showing them. I'm human too. I'm not like some overlord and that I make mistakes also, and it's okay to make mistakes. It was funny, I don't remember what happened, but my youngest the other day, like something happened and he goes, it's okay. We all make mistakes sometimes.

He's so wise. He's like an old man. Yeah, little old man. 

And I'm like, yeah, you're right. 

Laurel: I feel like your daughter and my [00:38:00] older son have a lot of. Similar personality traits and it's interesting because mine will look at me sometimes and say I need to go have some time to myself right now and like we've gotten him to that point where he at least recognizes he can't be where he is right now and he needs and he will take himself out and that's fine because He's aware enough to realize he needs some, alone time or whatever, and we respect that.

We tell him, and then my little one's even picked up on that now, and he'll say it sometimes. And, or he'll even say I think he needs some alone time right now. It's good. That's good. That's what you want to get to. With her and she'll get there. 

And she even doesn't out.

We started school this week and her first day we came home and she just went in her room and laid down on her bed and his face, she had her hand on her forehead. It's very dramatic. And she just is laying down and I went to check on her and she's I just need to be alone right now. 

Laurel: [00:39:00] Okay. When I was babysitting your kids my, my kids came with me and they were all being wild in the basement and your son comes upstairs and he had this glum look on his face and he goes into his room and I waited a minute and then I went in and followed him in his room and he's like in the corner, facing the corner behind his bed and I said, are you okay?

And I thought maybe the kids had upset him or something and he goes, I just need some time to myself in my own room. And I'm like, okay. I said if you need me, I'm right outside. And so I sat on the couch and he eventually came out and went back downstairs and 

he's good at that. I owe a lot of that to the daycare.

He thinks they do a really good job teaching them to ask for space when they need it.

I think something else that was, I really struggled with as a new parent. With my oldest was when she was like one or two, when she would hurt herself or get upset, my instinct [00:40:00] was to go and give her a hug. And she did not want that. She didn't want to be touched. She would get upset. And it was the hardest thing for me because I just wanted.

To hold her and hug her. And I felt like she had to deal with it on her own. And I just couldn't, it was the hardest thing for me to understand, but I respected it, but I was like, everything in me wants to hold you because you're my child and you've hurt yourself. And my youngest is, Was the total opposite and still is he wants to be attached to me as much as possible when we're together He wants to be on me or touching me or sitting on my lap And so now she is she really does like that affection so I don't know. I feel like there's so much to worry about and worry about doing wrong. I feel like I beat myself up daily about it. And am I doing it right? And my husband and I have the joke [00:41:00] like she could tell this to her therapist one day.

Pam: How much do you think that my parenting style influenced you two in your parenting styles or didn't it or did you just want to get away from it?

Rachel: With each generation you want to do better and not that you didn't do a good job but you said you were a yeller. I don't want to be a yeller. But it, it happens. And I think that's, what I've been conscious of is that, and we don't spank because you didn't spank us. Although my daughter loves to hear about the one time I got spanked.

And so that's, I think that I took that, those were things that like were non negotiables growing up. You were like, I'm not going to spank you.

Pam: I did it once. It was horrible. And I felt so awful. Yeah. And I, and [00:42:00] believe me, I didn't hurt you. You had a thick diaper on, but I, it made me feel so terrible.

It really did. It felt made me feel like I just totally lost control and I didn't want to feel like that.

But I was a, I can admit I was a yeller. I wish I hadn't done that, but like you said, you get to a point where you either have to separate yourself or you've got to, do something to break that cycle and feeling.

Laurel: And I feel my natural go to is I want to yell. I want to, and I've had to change that.

Rachel: We're back to Reddit this week with a couple of questions. This one is something I've gone through a little bit with my daughter as well. So Practical Lady 2022, you're the meanest mom [00:43:00] in the world. I hate you when I gently refuse her things, ice cream, screen time, toys.

I hate you. What do you respond when your five year old daughter says that? I got really upset today about the, I wish you'd die. And she said later it was a lie. I know it's all part of her brain development, but I can't sit there and make her think that's okay to say that.

Pam: Every kid tells you they hate you.

So what I would say is,

I'm so sorry that you feel that way. Because I love you.

Rachel: That's what I say to my daughter when she says that. And I've also said to her it's okay if you hate me right now. I love you and nothing's going to change that. 

Laurel: Wow. I must be the mean mom. I've gone through this with my older one. He went through a period recently where he hated us.

He wanted new parents. 

I got to the point where I was like, Okay, fine. I tried [00:44:00] rationalizing with him, which doesn't work. Where are you going to go? How are you going to get there? How are you going to take care of me? That didn't work. So finally, I got to the point where I was like, fine, get in the car.

I'm going to take you to a new family..

But yeah, I call their bluffs. I say, okay, that's too bad. 

Rachel: I have another question from Reddit that I think we could all probably relate to at one point. Yeah. She says, How can I enjoy motherhood more? I'm just so disappointed with myself lately. I'm going through the motions between being truly present. I feel like I get irritated too easily. It feels like a job versus a life experience.

I know it's going to be work, but I want to enjoy this and I'm just not. I'm in active therapy. I have coping mechanisms, but maybe I'm broken. I used to love it so much when they were babies. I didn't want to miss a moment. Now I count down the moments until bedtime. Anyone have tips to enjoy it more? I'm sick of phoning it in.

And my husband expressed his concern that I seem like I'm not happy. He's not wrong. I feel like he's starting to resent me. [00:45:00] My kids are four and six and last December, I went from working 30 hours a week to being home with them full time and starting my own business. That's. However, my husband is a fantastic partner when it comes to my kids in our home.

He cooks. We both clean and child rear. He doesn't miss anything with our kids and always prioritizes them and our family. So why can't I just focus on all the good I have my children deserve?

Pam: I feel that a lot of mothers and parents actually go through this. And what I tried to do was. To not take it so seriously and have and try to have fun. In other words. Do something that they like. Play a game. Go to a movie. Take them for ice cream. Do something, that's fun for everybody and it's not, serious and they don't have to behave and all of that. Take them to the park and run around.

Take them to a pool and [00:46:00] swim with them. Spend some quality time. time that isn't just parenting and saying no. Because I think that is what's getting you down. And you're gonna think about this. It goes by, believe me, so fast. This period of time where you feel exhausted and you feel like you're, always a parent, always saying no, all of that, it goes by quickly and those years are gone and you can't get them back.

And so I don't know, I would say, try to have fun. Don't always be the parent. In a situation, or let them be in situations where you don't have to really parent them. You can actually have fun with them. That's what I would say. I don't know. What do you girls think? 

Rachel: My kids are around the same age, and I think this is really [00:47:00] normal.

I think we all go through phases of this, and there are days where I am just counting down the minutes to bedtime. And there are the days when I really love it. And I think, if you feel like you're in this rut where it's more days of counting down, I find that when I'm feeling like that, it's because I need a break and I need some time for me.

I think It's important to build in those breaks throughout the year and maybe a trip and maybe finding something that is just for you because I will say I also work from home with my own business and it is hard when you feel like you are stuck in the house all day. Even if your kids are at school or daycare, you feel like you're just never seeing the outside world and so getting that time.

To yourself outside or even like taking yourself to lunch one day while the kids are at school, like building in that time has helped me a lot to really be able to enjoy my kids more and enjoy the time that we do have [00:48:00] together. 

Laurel: Said, my older son started school at three because of how the public school system works here

and that first summer after he started school, I had just had my second son that was the most challenging time. And that's probably the closest I can think of that. I felt like this on a extended basis. My husband was working out of the home and working on his master's degree. So I was home alone with two kids all summer long.

My parents were on a long summer trip, so I was really alone with, a very difficult older child, an infant, and my own sort of postpartum depression going on, and I'm sure that's all a story for another day, but one thing I learned during that summer, really having to do it on my own was that Was, I had to fill his days [00:49:00] and so I started taking him to things all over Atlanta and it costs money and I was putting my husband through, a master's degree and, he was on a lower paying job to get that degree and everything.

So we couldn't really afford it, but I was budgeting. Whatever I needed to, we went to the science center. We went to the children's center. We went to the park. We went to so like I had Tuesdays was toddler time at the library, so I had three or four things throughout the week scheduled to do so that we could get out of the house.

He could be a kid somewhere and get his energy out. investigate things he wanted to investigate, but on a kid's level in places where that's appropriate. He got us out of the house, a change of scenery. And what I learned from that summer was he needs to be in camp. So every summer since then, he's He goes to [00:50:00] camp.

And It gives me a break from them, it gives them a break from me, it gets them out of the house, it gets them off their iPads, it gets them doing stuff and now they're older, there are definitely days where I look at my little one and I say, it is bedtime, you need to go to bed, and he throws a tantrum and says, no I don't, There are days I'm ready for bedtime, there are fewer and further between now and I've just learned how to fill their days and fill my days and they've become very good at also entertaining themselves.

 Let's talk about what was good this week. Who wants to go first? 

Pam: Oh, I'll go. Okay. I've been loving the Olympics. Yes. Has anybody else been watching? Been watching. And I really, I've always loved the gymnastics and the swimming and the diving, but I really got into the track and field this year and how fast people are.

[00:51:00] It's unbelievable. And to see some of them come up from behind and just take, take the whole thing at the end is just so amazing to me. And, I wish I could do that, but I can't. 

Rachel: We were in the hotel and watching gymnastics and I think it was my daughter's first time seeing like gymnastics on TV.

She's done little gymnastics classes and she loved it. And she's like jumping between the beds and doing her whole routine. And she'll do the thing where she jumps off the bed and throws her arms in the air like they do when they dismount. It was really cute. So we may have an Olympian future. So that would be fun.

Favorite thing this week is. charm, the center for hard to recycle materials. Have you guys ever been there? No. What is that? It's a place you can go and they recycle all the crap that you can't put in your [00:52:00] recycle bin, but that is recyclable. So like I had. A garage and I'm not exaggerating a garage full of plastic bags from all of the grocery deliveries starting from the pandemic to today.

What is that 4 years of grocery bags and I took them all there and they recycle the grocery bag. They recycle all the like, little tiny toys, crap. That you get they take they'll take everything. They'll take old bikes. They have an electronic section and it's so cool. You just drive in and you find the little like station for your recyclables and it's all really well labeled and everything.

And then you just. Drop it off and they handle it. And so you make an appointment, you can make an appointment online. They have two locations in Atlanta, if you are local. And I don't know if they do this in other places, but it's been so cool. They'll take mattresses too. And do they take e-waste?

Yes, really and then they take they have a day [00:53:00] like a shredding day. So yeah documents you want to shred So we have a bunch of stuff. We need to shred and so it's really cool. I took the kids. They thought it was great. 

Laurel: I'll plug another similar business. Scrap Atlanta, which is in the North Lake area.

And they're opening a second location soon in the Southwest Atlanta area. They take. office supplies, school supplies, art supplies as donation, and then they resell them in their store. So that's great place to check out too. They're open like four days a week. My thing is my kids went back to school.

It's been a bumpy The transition, getting back, going off the summer schedule and back into the school schedule. But I think, in the next couple weeks we'll get back in the routine and I will be happy for it. And that also means my [00:54:00] husband starts going back to the office and so I get the house to myself.

You can't tell we're all a bit introverted. We like our alone time.

Thank you both for today. Oh thank you. And if you are enjoying us, please consider giving us five stars on Apple podcast or wherever you listen and leaving a review. You can also send us a question. If you go to our website, generation, mom, pod, comment. com. Yes. Or comment. We want to know who's listening.

We see people are actually listening, which is very exciting and we will be back next week with another topic. Alrighty.

And, you know, but sorry, I just got a text. That's it. Look at you, Jesus is on their way. That's the name of our Panera [00:55:00] delivery guy.